


Eleven New Messages

by absolutrash



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Blair the cat witch is literally a cat, F/M, i guess we can call it a, i'm trying to keep the format reader-friendly so lmk if it's not, new phone who dis! au, rated teen for swearing mostly, tags to be added as we go, texted the wrong number and just kept texting! au, this is purely stress relief & self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-08-18 06:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8152825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absolutrash/pseuds/absolutrash
Summary: Soul "Eater" Evans takes in a stray cat, and finds out he's in way over his head. Desperate for help (and to save the rest of his possessions from their untimely demise) he reaches out to his friend Kid. Except the person he texts isn't Kid, and Soul thinks maybe that's not such a bad thing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a couple New Phone Who Dis!AUs recently & they always end up being the funniest things. Ever. So here's my shot at it. I hope you enjoy it! I've tried to make the format as reader-friendly as possible, but if you have any suggestions, let me know! If you have any comments at all, actually, let me know ;) 
> 
> Anyway! I put numbers in here with real life area codes but any matching to a real person's phone number is purely coincidental & accidental.
> 
> Also: all times are in 24hr format so that I can keep the time of day clear without including am/pm. 
> 
> Enjoy~

**From: 508 742 6626**

**(22:10)** how do you stop a cat fromdestroying everything u own????

**(22:35)** kid

**(22:40)** kid this is important

**(22:44)** ive lost a mug & a plant so far 

**(22:48)** wtf kid i kno u never have ur phone on u but y does it have to b now!!

**(22:50)** srsly blake isnt home andi dont know what to do w this creature

**(22:55)** image attached

**(22:55)** the body count keeps rising

**(22:56)** tht was my fave mug too

**(22:56)** srsly how can something smaller than my foot cause so much destruction

**(23:03)** h e l p

 

**TO:**

**(23:10)** Well, first, don’t take your eye off it? How old is this cat?

 

**From:**

**(23:10)** FINALLY

**(23:11)** u say tht like it’s easy this demons f a s t

**(23:11)** hell if i know? It’s smol though. I found it outside the dumpster

 

**To:**

**(23:13)** So you just randomly rescued a stray cat?

 

**From:**

**(23:14)** it’s not like i could just leave it there tho????

**(23:14)** its like 4 in long how was it suppsoed to fend for itself in this big cruel world

**(23:20)** listen just tell me what to do bc the demons now pissed on my favorite shirt  & im srsly running out of possessions for it to destroy

**(23:21)** u have a cat right man jsut help me out

 

**To:**

**(23:22)** Sorry

**(23:23)** do you have anything at all for a cat at your place? Like food, toys, a litter box, etc?

 

**From:**

**(23:24)** yes bc every non cat owning person has those things handy just for situations such as these

 

**To:**

**(23:25)** Are you a literal idiot?? 

**(23:25)** Why’d you take in a cat if you don’t have any supplies for it?

 

**From:**

**(23:26)** fuck off

**(23:26)** I can’t believe you would want me to just leave it there

**(23:26)** in the rain

**(23:27)** wtf man

**(23:27)** if i get these things will it stop ruining everything??

 

**To:**

**(23:28)** probably? Maybe? Kittens are babies, so it’s likely to still have a lot of mischief in it, but it can’t hurt

**(23:30)** But i’m pretty sure all the pet stores are closed at this point, though

 

**From:**

**(23:31)** Fuck

**(23:31)** what am I supposed to do then???

 

**To:**

**(23:33)** Prepare to sacrifice everything you love to the kitten’s wrath >:-)

 

**From:**

**(23:35)** i’m too gd broke for this

**(23:36)** can i take it over to your place?? It can like have a kitten sleep over with ur monster

 

**To:**

**(23:38)** I’m not Kid just so you know

 

**From:**

**(23:40)** wtf

**(23:41)** sorry

  
  


**To:**

**(23:50)** I do know a person who goes by Kid though? Really tall with pale skin and early gray hair?

 

**From:**

**(23:51)** holy shit yea that’s the guy

**(23:51)** probably

**(23:51)** who knows at this point tho honestly

 

**To:**

**(23:52)** Contact Information Attached

**(23:52)** there you go. Good luck. 

 

**From:**

**(23:53)** thanks so much!!!! Sry to have bothered you

 

**To:**

**(23:54)** Since you rescued a stray kitten, I think I can forgive you

**(23:55)** :)

  
  
  
  


**From: 508-742-6626**

**(09:23)** Image attached

**(09:23)** Kitty haul: achieved

 

**To:**

**(10:08)** It does look like everything you would need for a kitten

**(10:10)** did you have help?

 

**From:**

**(10:21)** wow rude

**(10:21)** i think i know what kitties need??

 

**To:**

**(10:22)** …………

**(10:22)** you literally messaged me last night freaking out BECAUSE you had no idea what kitties need

**(10:23)** You went to PetSmart and harassed the sales associates there, didn’t you?

**(10:28)** I’m still not Kid by the way

  
  


**From:**

**(10:30):** i didn’t HARASS anyone thank u v much

**(10:31)** i brought blair w me to the store and ebery one was beyond thrilled to help 

**(10:33)** and i know, but i thought id update u since you were so helpful last ight

**(10:33)** u know

**(10:34)** as thanks

 

**To:**

**(10:35)** Blair?

 

**From:**

**(10:38)** the petsmart ppl told me she was a she  & since she’s a black cat & black cat = witch

**(10:38)** blair

 

**To:**

**(10:39)** Okay, but why does Blair translate as a witch name??

 

**From:**

**(10:40)** omg

**(10:41)** Have you seriously never seen the Blair Witch Project?

 

**To:**

**(11:15)** Um, no?? Is this a serious offense? You’ve switched to proper spelling and punctuation

**(11:17)** I’m impressed, though. I really didn’t think you could do it.

 

**From:**

**(11:20)** wow rude

**(11:20)** for the second time

**(11:21)** but ya it kind of is??? Who srsly hasn’t seen the Blair Witch Project??

**(11:22)** wait you’re not like 68 yrs old right

**(11:23)** or 12

 

**To:**

**(11:24)** To quote you: wow rude

**(11:24)** I’m 20 years old, thakn you very much

**(11:25)** *thank

 

**From:**

**(11:25)** omg u just corrected your spelling

**(11:26)** ur totally catfishing me youre actually like 79 years old

**(11:26)** who corrects their spelling esp wuth smthn like thakn

 

**To: Cat Guy**   
**(11:30)** You make it sound like a crime to want to be understood

 

**From:**

**(11:31)** but u seem to understand me jjst fine??

 

**To:**

**(11:58)** that’s irrelevant

 

**From:**

**(12:04)** HA

**(12:05)** r u embarrassed bc this dude w bad grmr jst totally upstged u

 

**To:**

**(12:12)** You’re intentionally making your spelling worse now, aren’t you

 

**From** :

**(12:13)** u r qck

 

**To** :

**(12:14)** Quick?

 

**From:**

**(13:07)** ya

**(13:07)** smart

**(13:08)** witty

**(13:08)** a dam near genioos

 

**To:**

**(13:10)** Now you’re just being mean.

 

**From:**

**(14:06)** me? Mean? Never pal

**(14:07)** im the nicest person i kno

**(14:08)** did u forget i just rescued a stray kitten

**(14:08)** an EVIL stray kitten

**(14:09)** from the freezing rain

**(14:11)** im practically a gd saint

 

**To: Practically a gd saint**

**(14:33)** Well, if you’re friends with Kid and Blake (I think I know Blake too? Barrett?), then it’s no surprise you’re the nicest person you know. Kid’s...misunderstood, and Blake’s a tool. 

 

**From:**

**(14:46)** holy shit u kno my roommate too???

**(14:47)** who r u & how do u kno every1 i know?/?

**(15:24)** u dont have to answer if u dont want to i understand

**(15:25)** tht was v private

**(15:58)** just pretend i didn’t say anything i take it back sry 

 

**To:**

**(16:32)** : Sorry, I was in a meeting and had my phone turned off.

**(16:33)** My area code is literally Death City’s area code. How do you THINK I know Kid and Blake

 

**From:**

**(16:35)** listen if u r a 69 yr old i dont think i want to kno how u kno them

 

**To:**

**(16:37)** You’re very gifted in the art of Pissing People Off

 

**From:**

**(16:38)** omg im glad u noticed

**(16:39)** its the only thing im good at!

 

**To:**

**(16:41)** Well practice does make perfect :-)

 

**From:**

**(16:43)** Wow 

**(16:44)** WOW

**(16:44)** that was

**(16:45)** wow

 

**To:**

**(16:48)** ;)

 

**From:**

**(16:50)** tht was such a low blow

**(16:51)** im impressed

**(16:53)** you’re Maka aren’t u

 

**To:**

**(17:00)** ?????

**(17:00)** Who told you

**(17:01)**  Was it Blake? I’ll kick his ass. That’s cheating.

 

**From:**

**(17:15)** nope baby im just tht good ;)

 

**To:**

**(17:16)** Just kidding. I’ll kick YOUR ass first and then Blake’s

**(17:28)** Seriously how’d you guess/how do you know of me??

 

**From:**

**(17:57)** how would i NOT kno of u

**(17:58)** Blake & kid talk abt u all the time. Youre famous

**(17:59)** The Skull Crusher

**(17:59)** >:-]

 

**To:**

**(19:11)** What the hell

**(19:12)** That was from when we were SIX

**(19:18)** Okay, fine. Now you know who I am. Who are YOU?

 

**From:**

**(19:24)** Blake’s roommate

 

**To:**

**(19:25)** Yeah, I know?? But who are you besides that?

 

**From:**

**(19:26)** wtf does he never talk abt me??????

 

**To:**

**(19:28)** He’s mentioned a roommate but never specifically?

**(19:31)** I don’t know your name. Blake just mentioned in passing at the beginning of the semester that he had a new roommate, but I didn’t pursue the topic because? It literally didn’t affect me. At all. 

 

**From:**

**(19:32)** Wow

**(19:33)** U r a cruel cruel lady

**(19:34)** u just called me irrelevant????

 

**To:**

**(19:37)** I’m sorry?? 

**(20:11)** It’s not that you ARE irrelevant, it’s just that you were irrelevant to me AT THE TIME. Because I literally don’t live in Death City at the moment. 

**(20:15)** Also, to be honest, I kind of thought you were just another of Blake’s hook ups who would be gone in a couple weeks?

 

**From:**

**(21:30)** WOW 

**(21:31)** wow so not only am i irrelevant but im blakes ho now

**(21:33)** just keep digging~ just keep digging~ what do u do u diiiii-IIIIIG~

 

**To:**

**(21:45)** Ugh

 

**From:**

**(21:46)** id rather b a ho than a shovel ;P

 

**To:**

**(21:48)** That doesn’t even make sense!!

 

**From:**

**(21:49)** whatevr u say spade

  
  


 

**To: Blake’s Obnoxious Roommate**

**(13:12)** You’re Soul aren’t you?

 

**From:**

**(13:15)** Ayyyyyyyyyyy

**(13:16)** u creeped didnt u

 

**To:**

**(13:18)** Maybe I did! I’m not embarrassed! 

 

**From:**

**(13:20)** r u sure? U sound embarrassed lol

**(13:21)** its ok to be embarrassed its a natural part of life

**(13:22)** i for one am embarrassed evry time i go out with blake

 

**To:**

**(13:25)** He does have that special charm, doesn’t he?

 

**From: Blake’s Roommate Soul**

**(13:28)** tht he does

**(13:30)** dunno that id call it a charm and not a curse

 

**To:**

**(13:32)** What’d he do this time?

 

**From:**

**(13:34)** what hasnt he done

 

**To:**

**(13:35)** That’s fair

 

**From:**

**(13:38)** lmao

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i tried a different formatting with this one. Now, the messages are read in "To:" format for both maka and soul. So, To: "Blake's Obnoxious Roommate" is obviously Maka sending texts to Soul, and the other one is Soul sending texts to Maka. Formatting may keep changing as this progresses until I figure out the best way to do it.   
> Let me know if this one is too complicated or w/e!

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
(0:04) ** Okay, so I have a question.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
(0:04) ** im listenin

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
(0:05)** So Blake mentioned you play an instrument and you’re pretty good at it.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
(0:06) ** remind me 2 kill him later

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul**

**(0:06)** Why??

**(0:07)** Actually, that’s not important right now. Do you play an instrument? You don’t even have to be good at it, honestly.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
(0:08) ** ………….. Y

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul**

**(0:10)** Because I’m taking a music theory class to satisfy a humanities requirement at my university, and I don’t understand any of it!!! I can memorize staff lines and the letters on each one (F A C E, E G B D F), and what the different time signatures mean, but i don’t understand how this is supposed to help me identify all of that by listening to music???

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
(0:10) ** ok slow down there dude **  
(0:11)** wat is the assign  
**(0:11)** actually is it due tmrw or

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul**

**(0:12)** I’m supposed to take an untitled piece of music clip that the professor posted to the homework site, and identify what key and time signature it’s written in. And I don’t get it!! I’ve listened to it SO many times, but it still just sounds like a nice song and nothing more.   
**(0:13)** Sorry, yeah, it’s due tomorrow. I’ve been working all week on it, but I still am stuck.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:14)** ok  
 **(0:14)** can u send me the audio  
 **(0:15)** i can just tell u the answr

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
** **(0:15)** That’s cheating, though

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:16)** it’s srsly 12:16 rn & ur still working on this assignment  
 **(0:16)** n ur worried abt cheating

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
** **(0:16)** Yes I am

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:17)** oh my god  
 **(0:17)** listen i will literally explain it to you later but like i said  
 **(0:17)** after midnight  
**(0:18)** send me the gd audio & let me tell u the answer

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
(0:19) ** …..

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:19)** jfc if it bothers u so much just take the 0

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
** **(0:22)** _Media Content in this Message  
_ **(0:23)** Sorry for the poor quality. I couldn’t download the mp3 on my phone, so I had to record it instead.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:25)** oh thats bach  
 **(0:25)** key = d minor  
 **(0:25)** time is…….4/4 i think

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
(0:26) ** Did that seriously only take you 2 god damn minutes???  
 **(0:27)** A week! I wasted a week on that!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
(0:27) ** ya well i what can i say  
 **(0:27)** im just tht good bby ;)

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
** **(0:28)** Really, again with that? Your skull is mine next time I see you >:)

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:29)** THE SKULL CRUSHER STRIKES AGAIN  
 **(0:30)** _Media Content in this Message  
_ **(0:30)** i didnt forget

 

**To: Blake’s Roommate Soul  
(0:32) ** yOU SET IT AS MY CONTACT  
 **(0:33)** WHAT THE HELL DUDE

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:33)** listen  
 **(0:34)** i couldnt just let an opportunity like that go to waste

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:35)** _Media Content in this Message  
_ **(0:36)** Two can play at this game!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:37)** oh my god  
 **(0:37)** OH MY GOD  
 **(0:37)** i cant believe u just punned my name  
 **(0:37)** that’s the funniest fuckin thing ive ever seen  
 **(0:38)** n blake said u werent funny wtf

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:38)** 1) Blake still thinks whoopie cushions are funny, and 2) Blake’s a dick

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:39)** u make a fair point but  
 **(0:39)** BUT  
 **(0:40)** i must correct u bc whoopie cushions ARE fucking hilarious

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:41)** ……..I trusted you

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:42)** i mean tht was ur 1st mistake tbh

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:42)** All whoopie cushion humor does is rely on the societally-created embarrassment of a natural bodily function that one sometimes cannot control! It’s juvenile and simply reinforces the idea that flatulation is something to be ashamed of.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:43)** did u fart in public n get laughed at

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:44)** i got whoopie cushioned by Blake in high school and got laughed at, to be more specific.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:44)** lmao  
 **(0:44)** n now ur a pro-fart activist  
 **(0:44)** a fartivist, if u will

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:45)** You know what, I have an assignment to write  
 **(0:45)** A very important assignment  
 **(0:45)** About Bach’s lovely 4/4 composition in the key of D-Minor.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:46)** lmao ok  
 **(0:46)** good luck  
 **(0:47)** fart defender

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:47)** You’re really earning your Contact Name right now

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:47)** just tryin to live up to expectations

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:48)** Go to sleep

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:49)** cant  
 **(0:50)** waitin for b to get back so i can kick his ass in cod again

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:51)** Wow  
 **(0:51)** Well, as much fun as that sounds, I really do have to write this assignment. I have an 8 am -_-”  
**(0:51)** Ttyl

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:52)** TOOTles

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:52)** I hope Blake kills you every round

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:53)** wow that was unnecessarily cruel

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:54)** My contact info in your phone is Skull Crusher. Did you really think I was going to be nice?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:55)** a dude can dream

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:55)** You have to sleep in order to dream.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:56)** not necessarily  
 **(0:57)** just ask martin luther king jr

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(0:57)** That…….is a good point  
 **(0:58)** But I still do need to finish this assignment

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(0:59)** follow ur dreams ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  


**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(14:12)** did u finish ur assignment

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(14:20)** Did you just wake up?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(14:21)** ok that was an unnecessary clapback

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(14:22)** A what??

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(14:22)** omg r u for real  
 **(14:22)** do u live under a rock  
 **(14:23)** is ur real name patrick star  
 **(14:23)** r u STARfishing me  
 **(14:23)** ;)

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(14:24)** Piss off  
 **(14:24)** Just because I don’t know all of your ridiculous memewords doesn’t mean that I am completely out of touch!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(14:25)** lmao ok  
 **(14:28)**  n for ur information i had a 10 am so no i did not just wake up  
 **(14:28)** :P

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(14:45)** oh  
 **(14:46)** I did get my assignment finished, somehow. I had to bs a lot of it, but it’s done!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(11:48)** congratulations!  
 **(11:48)** ur now probably better than over half ur class

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(11:49)** tbh  
 **(11:52)** Do you go to UNLV too?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(11:53)** ya  
 **(11:53)** different major tho  
 **(11:54)** international business

 

**To: AsSoul  
(11:55) ** You’re in business??  
 **(11:55)** I didn’t expect that, no offense.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(11:58)** yea lmao  
 **(11:58)** none taken. Most people dont  
 **(11:59)** which i dont get bc like every1 knows if ur lookin for the major w the highest numbers of slackers, look no further than the business school :-)

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(11:59)** Hey that’s not fair! One of my good friends is in business and is a very hard worker!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:00)** one of THOSE  
 **(12:01)** no im just kidding most of the ppl i kno are rly hard workers  
 **(12:02)** its just me & the managemnt kids slackin :^)

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:05)** I don’t believe you’re a slacker.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:06)** lmao surprise! i am!  
 **(12:06)** anyway where do u go  
 **(12:06)** since b never mentioned it

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:08)** University of Arizona! I’m in Intelligence Studies

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:09)** oh shit  
 **(12:10)** i didnt realize i was txting the next Bond, Maka Bond, Agent double oh skullcrusher

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:11)** Yeah you better watch yourself, buddy

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:11)** why do i need to watch myself when the govt’s always doin it for me tho

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:12)** oH SHIT  
 **(12:13)** That’s a good point.  
 **(12:13)** Uncle Sam’s probably watching our conversation right this minute

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:14)** they probs kno abt u cHEATIN ON UR MUSIC THEORY ASSIGN. TOO  
 **(12:15)** so naughty

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:15)** Hey, you’re implicated with me too!!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:20)** ok yes but  
 **(12:21)** i dont wanna be the new nick fury  
 **(12:21)** also i can claim tht i was scared  
 **(12:21)** for my skull u kno  
 **(12:22)** SKULL CRUSHER

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:23)** Okay, first, no one can replace Nick Fury. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  
 **(12:23)** Second, if I go down, I’m taking you out with me  
 **(12:24)** When you least expect it ….. when you’re at you’re lowest - that’s when I will bring you to your knees!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:24)** ohohoh thats kinky  
 **(12:24)** fUCK I DIDN’T MEAN THAT  
 **(12:24)** IGNORE THAT LET IT GO BURY ME

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:25)** Wow. Ok. So. I didn’t think I would have to kinkshame you so early in our aquaintanceship, but…….what the f uck.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:30)** honestly idk i’ve never been more ashamed

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:31)** It’s okay, don’t worry! :)  
 **(12:31)** I’ll never let you live it down!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:32)** bye sry i gotta go i have to go bury myself alive now

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:32)** You can run but you can’t hide……..from your kinks!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(12:33)** fuck u  
 **(12:33)** its like ur another blake i stg

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:35)** Don’t worry, I’m stronger :*

  
  


**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(20:42)** _Media Content in this Message  
_ **(20:42)** i told b that u said u were stronger than him & he told me to send u this and remind u that he can bench 185

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(22:15)** Tell my dear, idiotic childhood friend this: “One word: Squats”

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(22:18)** what did u do???????  
 **(22:19)** _Media Content in this Message_  
 **(22:19)** you broke blake holy shit  
 **(22:30)** srsly what is this thing u had me say bc b hasnt moved in 11 minutes  
 **(22:30)** which, u should be well aware, is like a record

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:00)** I simply reminded him of the worst day of his life :)

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:11)** which is??????

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:12)** As much as I love tormenting my awful friend, I’m not mean enough to tell you about it. I just can’t kick him when he looks that shitty..

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:13)** this is 1 mystery i will solve

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(12:14)** Gotta get your Sherlock Holmes on

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:14)** tbh way ahead of u  
 **(23:14)** all i need is my bubble pipe & i’ve got it down

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:15)** haha oooookay Sherlock. I’ve gotta hit the hay

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:20)** another 8 am??

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:21)** Even worse. Food Service. :|

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:22)** *screams in fear of the unknown*

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:24)** Unfortunately it’s not unknown for me. It’s very known and very terrifying. I have looked into the abyss and the abyss said “Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar Free, Cinnamon and Pumpkin Soy Skinny Latte.” What does that even mean?? They’re just throwing out literally every word they know relating to coffee and calling it a drink.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:33)** *screams in fear of the v known & v terrifying morning deathbucks shift*

 

**To: AsSoul  
** **(23:34)** That’s more like it honestly.  
 **(23:35)** Night night, sleep tight, don’t let the deathbucks customer bite :)

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(23:40)** tbh  
 **(23:40)** have a good day at work tomorrow

 


	3. Fishnets & Bad Jokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and the meaningless but cute conversations continue~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's pretend like i haven't not updated this since October. I'm sorry it's been so long, things got out of hand & life got busy. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this short but nonsensical chapter anyway though~

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:14)** so

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:14)** So.

**To: SKULL CRUSHER  
** **(10:15)** _Media Content in this Message.  
_ **(10:15)** B has decided he’s going to be the new #trendsetter on campus

 

**TO: AsSoul**

**(10:17)** oh my god  
 **(10:17)** What is that?  
 **(10:17)** Are those fishnets???

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:18)** they r indeedy fishnets

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:18)** Why would you make my poor eyes witness something this terrible at such an early hour?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:20)** bc i had to see it @ 9 this morning & I am sharing my pain

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:21)** do you hate me?  
 **(10:21)** I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m all for the freedom of expression and wearing whatever you like.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:21)** of course u are

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:22)** But those fishnets are……..so……bright………….  
 **(10:22)** aND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:22)** at least they match his hair  
 **(10:23)** I didn’t eman anything by it  
 **(10:23)** u just seem like some1 who would support “freedom of expression trhu fadhion”

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:24)** That’s very true. At least he does coordinate.  
 **(10:25)** And you know what, I’m going to take that as a compliment. 

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:25)** good, bc it wasnt meant to b an insult

 

**TO; AsSoul**

**(10:30)** So why is Blake wearing fishnets?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:31)** he met som1 from the fashion dept last night @ the club & has decided tht he is going to woo them w his “Incredibly forward fashion sense”  
 **(10:31)** or somthin like that

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:45)** Ah, I see.  
 **(10:45)** That does sound like him.  
 **(10:46)** Did you go to the club with him?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:48)** Yea  
 **(10:48)** it was borin tho bc im not old enough to order drinks & every1 else was drunk & dancing and that’s just……

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:50)** Just not your scene?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:51)** p much  
 **(10:51)** I dont know how 2 dance like tht

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:51)** Like what?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:52)** all modern & u kno  
 **(10:52)** sSsssSSSexXyyyy

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:53)** awwww did no one offer to teach you? : ((

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(10:56)** well, i wasnt drunk enough 2 accept any offers

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(10:58)** Oh  
 **(10:58)** I see~

 

**TO: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(11:10)** Yeah, my education was much more classical then that so

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(13:45)** Sorry I was in class  
 **(13:45)** So you know how to do like the jitterbug and waltz but can’t figure out how to bump and grind is what you’re saying.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:08)** basically  
 **(14:08)** I dnnt even think my hips can move like tht

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:10)** has Blake never offered to teach you? ;)

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:12)** ill kill u omfg

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:15)** I’m just saying because he’s seriously good at it!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:15)** why r u advocating for him?  
 **(14:15)** omg did u & b……………?

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:18)** OMG NO  
 **(14:18)** EW EW EWWWW NOOOOOOO  
 **(14:18)** HE’S LIKE MY BROHTER  
 **(14:19)** Am I not even allowed to compliment a boy without it being “because I have a huge secret crush” on him?? That’s a seriously misogynistic and outdated thought process.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:20)** I was just askin if he had taught u to dance but u have made ur point  
 **(14:20)** I wouldn’t assume that just because you’re a girl that you liked B  
 **(14:21)** first of all it taes a special person to be able to put up w him

**TO: AsSoul  
** **(14:22)** That’s the truth  
 **(14:22)** He’s…..special

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:23)** he sure is  
 **(14:24)** hey are u ok tho

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:25)** what do you mean?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:26)** idk you just seem more….touchy today

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:26)** Are you asking me if I’m PMSing right now? Seriously??  
 **(14:26)** wtf

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:27)** No!! I’m not  
 **(14:27)** see thts what I mean  
 **(14:27)** ur taking everythinig I say and twisting it around so that it sounds the wrost it can eb  
 **(14:28)** and I didn’t know if it was just because of the limit of texting how u can’t see & hear tone, or if you were mad at me, or if you were just mad in general?  
 **(14:28)** so I was concerned  
 **(14:28)** but I was being too forward, probably, so don’t worry about it.

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:30)** No,no you’re right, I am being awful _._ I’m sorry.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:31)** I mean, you don’t have to apologize for it. Everybody has bad days or w/e. I just was wondering if you wanted to talk about it.  
 **(14:31)** But you don’t have to.

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:32)** My dad came and visited me this weekend.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:33)** does tht usually not end well  
 **(14:35)** bc like i totally understand. my parents visiting ruins everythn tbh

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:38)** It just puts me on edge for lots of reasons. Mostly, that he acts like I’m still a child when I’m clearly not and have been living (successfully) on my own now for over three years.  
 **(14:39)** Sorry, it just frustrates me. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you though, sorry.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(14:40)** like I said, don’t worry too much abt it  
 **(14:42)** but if u ever want to talk abt it

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(14:45)** thank you, I appreciate it

 

-

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(22:57)** How do you communicate with a fish?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:12)** how?

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:12)** you drop it a line!  
 **(23:13)** what has no legs but can do a split?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:13)** nfakdld;as  
 **(23:13)** what?

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:14)** A banana!  
 **(23:14)** What did the crops say to the farmer?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:14)** noooooooooo  
 **(23:14)** did they say make it stop?

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:15)** Stop picking on me!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:16)** that was so bad

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:18)** Why didn’t the leopard go on vacation?

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:19)** bc the jokes were too bad  
 **(23:19)** why

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:20)** It couldn’t find the right spot!  
 **(23:21)** Ok ok last one I promise

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:21)** lay it on me

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:21)** what is the biggest room in the world?

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:21)** what?

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:22)** the room for improvement!!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:23)** THAT ONE’S THE WORST

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:23)** I KNOW! ISN’T IT GREAT!

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:24)** it makes me feel bad about myself bc I first had to read that joke with my own two eyes  
 **(23:24)** & also bc of the joke itself

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:24)** it’s the best combination of insult and humor and I strongly approve.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:25)** it is u r right  
 **(23:25)** what’s with the sudden bad jokes tho

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:26)** I bought a bag of laffy taffys for a presentation and have a bunch left over.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:27)** of course they were those candies of evil goo  
 **(23:27)** honestly I shouldn’t have even been surprised  
 **(23:27)** and yet here we are

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:28)** what do you have against laffy taffys??? What in the world could they have done to you to earn such unbrindled hatred

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:30)** they stick to everything!!!!  
 **(23:30)** your teeth your fingers the wrapper your hair your throat  
 **(23:31)** anything they could possibly come in contact w/ & theyre STUCK  
 **(23:31)** evil fuckers is what they are

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:32)** there’s a story here, I can sense it.

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:33)** the story isnt as important as the lesson I learned from it.  
 **(23:34)** laffy taffys are the candy of the devil

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:35)** that was……wow. You really feel strongly about this

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:35)** I do

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:36)** Well  
 **(23:36)** That means more devil candy for me then >: )

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:37)** only some1 with a hellish title like skull crusher would enoy the devil candy

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:40)** _Media Content in this Message  
_ **(23:40)** YYYYUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 

**To: SKULL CRUSHER**

**(23:41)** defriended, unfollowed, blocked

 

**To: AsSoul**

**(23:42)** byeeeeeeeeeee

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAD LAFFY TAFFYS TODAY AND THE FARMER JOKE WAS ON IT AND I LAUGHED SO HARD 
> 
> that's honestly the whole inspiration for the second half. I am sorry.......................inspiration can be found in even the darkest of places if only one is desperate enough to settle for bad jokes. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading this chapter!


End file.
